WARNING: Reading this will give you Cancer

By Dr. Augustus Ignatius Peruvio-Vilanculous (AKA Chiko)

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH. MULTIPLE STUDIES HAVE SHOWN THAT READING THIS ARTICLE IS A DIRECT LINK TO CANCER. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

“Cough. Hack, hack, wheeeeze, cough!” A lengthy list of symptoms; fever, persistent cough, swollen glands, difficulty swallowing, hoarse voice. A brief diagnosis concludes you are inevitably dieing from your currently undetermined ailment. Originally we hypothesized bovine spongiform encephalopathy, but tests results returned a solid negative from the lab. After a second, more precise examination, we speculated the chances of your illness being the globally feared severe acute respiratory syndrome. Again, further analysis yielded negative results. A third series of evaluations revealed a shocking conclusion, having tested positive for malignant neoplasm. We regret to inform you that yes, you have infectious cancer teaming under your skin.

This article has been designed to provide acute information covering the pandemic of cancer to the world. This disease causes groups of cells in your body to display an uncontrolled growth. Non stop, they are dividing beyond the normal limits of human cells, intruding and destructing the adjacent tissues. There is a possibility the cancer cells will spread to other sections of your body via lymph or blood.

Any organism, not excluding humans, animals, or even plants, will acquire cancer. As detrimental errors build up in the cancer cell and its progeny, the cancer gradually arises. Cancers are caused by abnormalities in the genetic material of transformed cells. These abnormalities are due to the effects of carcinogens, such as radiation, infectious agents, tobacco smoke, or chemicals. Errors in DNA replication may also result in randomly acquired cancer-promoting genetic abnormalities. There is a high probability your mother purposely transferred her genetic errors into your DNA when you were conceived, aiding you to inherit the cancer from your father. The shame to think they loved you so!

According to multiple studies done nation wide, almost anything you partake in will lead to the developing of dreaded cancer. A large quantity of artificially produced beverages, instant meals, and superfluous activities have a high rate of cancer exposure. Processed meats contain traces of cancer cells buried deep within the layers of delicious, fatty goodness. When consumed, your body herds the genetic abnormalities and imbibes them with your own erroneous cells. For each can of red bull you ingest, thirty eight cancer cells transfer into your human body, decreasing the time until you contract cancer by one point three percent. Tobacco products increase the amount of cancer within your body by a total of ninety percent. Tobacco smoke contains over fifty known carcinogens, including nitrosamines and polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons. It is estimated to be responsible for one in three of all cancer deaths in the developed world, and approximately one in five over dramatic deaths worldwide. The other four are a result of attention-starved drama queens. Each cigarette contains fifty eight percent cancer contaminants affecting your lungs, larynx, head, neck, stomach, bladder, kidney, esophagus, and pancreas. The tobacco companies are practically pumping you chalk full of cancer. The tobacco epidemic, a rise in the number of smokers worldwide, is an organization striving to promote cancer through tobacco related purchases. A recent University study also deduced that microwaved movie popcorn will give you cancer. The micro waves emitted through the front door of the machine during the heating process pierce through your skin, heading like torpedoes to your cancer cells, activating the dormant cancer. The popcorn kernels are infused with cancer while being heated, and ingesting the popped corn embezzles the cancer further. Harmful UV rays are as harmful as described by scientific experts. Sunbathing, tanning beds and picnics all include over exposure to sunlight. A ten second trip from the front door of your homely home to side door of the van is a cancer exposure beyond fathomable proportions. Not a single aspect of human society, culture and life is free from the risks and dangers of cancer. For your protection, a state law is being enforced entailing each product that contains cancer to bear a disclaimer stating so.

The opinions of inadequate journalists on medical research papers have led countless to believe that numerous entities are 'not direct links' to cancer, providing society with false hope for survival. This is a government issue article backed by very accomplished experts. Any and all statements produced by media stations are hereby declared incorrect. Cancer is terminal. I repeat, cancer is a fatal disease with zero chance of avoiding and a negative twenty nine percent cure rate.

We have devised a solution to combat the viral spread of cancer. Composed of specially designed air filters, virus resistant nanofiber material, and stylish UV protective Plexiglas, the Cancer Hazard Suit is the sole protection against Cancer. The Cancer Hazard Suit has more perks when contrasted to the common cold-resistant Life Bubble, as sported by Bubble Boy. This splash guard coverall has serge seams, zipper front closure, attached hood and everything proof gloves, mask and boots. When worn properly, the Cancer Hazard Suit is completely air tight with permi-lock zippers to prevent cancer from leaking into the suit. Once closed, nothing can enter and nothing can get out, protecting not only you from outside cancer elements, but quarantining your variations of cancer from loved ones. All Cancer Hazard garments combine the toughness of TYVEK fabric with a quality coating of polyethylene.

Containment plans have been put in place, for your safety, and are in effect immediately. Each person, upon completion of this informative pack, is to transport to their designated Culture-Dome. Bring only what is needed, as this will be your new quarantined residence. Persons have been grouped based upon the characteristics and severity of their cancer. Thereafter, each person will enter the decontamination room for a total wash down. Following those instructions they are to don their numbered Cancer Hazard suit. Upon completion of these specific safety protocols, each person is free to operate on their own conduct within the confines of their Culture-Dome.

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